If you’ve ever been the parent sitting in your car with the engine off, crying and experiencing a knot in your stomach, I want you to pause for a second and take a slow, deep breath.
Whether that was this morning, a few months ago, or a memory that still makes your heart drop when you think about it, hear this:
You were not a bad parent. Your child was not a bad child. And none of it was your fault.
When you are in the middle of Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA) or severe school refusal, the school drop-off is not a nice experience, if it happens at all.
You sit there watching everyone else, kids hopping out of cars with their things, while you are left wondering: What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I make this work?
It is so easy to spiral into self-doubt:
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Should I have been firmer?
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Did I give in too soon?
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Why couldn’t I fix this?
If you’ve ever had those thoughts, please cut yourself some slack. What your child was experiencing wasn’t naughtiness, bad behaviour, or a reflection of your parenting. It was a stress response. My child used to pick nails until they bled and have severe panic attacks which I can only describe as out of body! It was horrendous.
But, when you step back from the immediate crisis, it becomes much easier to see those moments for what they really are:
1. Behaviour Is Communication
School avoidance is never about a child wanting an easy ride. They aren’t doing it to you; they are going through it with you.
2. Survival Is Enough
In the chaos of a school morning standoff, it feels like you have to solve everything. But all you actually need to do in those moments is restore calm and protect your child’s emotional wellbeing, and your own.
3. Protecting Their Mental Health Is Always Good
Society places so much weight on attendance percentages as the ultimate grade of good parenting. It isn’t. Your child’s safety and your bond with them matter far more if you are in crisis mode, like we were.
If you are carrying the weight of those difficult mornings – past or present:
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Acknowledge what you carried. Navigating school refusal takes a lot of emotional energy. You did it out of love for your child.
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Focus on mutual restoration. Neither you nor your child can process solutions or make long-term plans while living in a perpetual “fight or flight” loop. Prioritise calm. It is not easy, I know, but when everyone calms down, things change.
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Reflect from a place of safety. When the time comes to figure out next steps, trust your gut. I got this badly wrong many times, but after a few months I got to realise that if I went with my inner wisdom (and ignored the ‘shoulds’) we got on much better.
The late-night searches, the fear of attendance letters, and those agonising mornings are very draining. But if you’ve ever been that parent sitting in the car, remember this – you were never failing.
Give yourself some credit today. You are doing a brilliant job in an extraordinarily tough situation.
Hope this summer is a lovely break for you and your family.
Lucy
aka @geriatric_mum
I have started a Substack called When The School Run Stops – it might be worth subscribing for some more insight into what we went through as a family and what helped us; https://substack.com/@whentheschoolrunstops
